MANDATORY: READ THIS NOW!!!

by ursavoice

Brad Walters
J.D. Candidate 2013, UCI Law

Yesterday, upon opening my email, I discovered three messages from UCI Law’s administration:

Subject: READ THIS EMAIL IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO BE A LAWYER OR EVER HAVE A JOB.
Body: Just a reminder that, at this point, all deadlines should be considered rolling. Apply NOW.

Subject: MANDATORY CAREER MEETING TO DISCUSS HOW TO POLITELY ORDER VEGETARIAN OPTIONS IN THE PRESENCE OF A CARNIVOROUS HIRING ATTORNEY – RSVP NOW!!!
Body: Being vegetarian can be tricky, particularly in the presence of conservative Orange County lawyers. Even if you eat meat, you may one day feel inclined to order a non-meat option, which could prove embarrassing in the presence of a hiring attorney. We are holding a MANDATORY event for all 1Ls, to instruct them on this tricky topic.

Subject: FW: PSLawNet Opportunities matching your internships
Body: A reminder that, due to societal scorn of the legal profession, all lawyers have been quarantined in New York or Washington, D.C. PLAN ACCORDINGLY.

From this, I have divined several important facts: (1) The keyboards in the Career Development Office have highly fickle caps lock keys. (2) Suggestions are for pansies; to exude authority, one must exclusively use bold, underlined, bright red COMMANDS. And, (3) free will is highly overrated.

When I entered law school, I believed that graduate students were adults, that they had proven themselves to be competent students and high-quality thinkers, that administrators would serve as guides in the complex and difficult task of entering the legal profession, and that paragraphs in all-caps indicated an unstable mind. Thankfully, UCI Law has cured me of these naïve assumptions.

Instead, I now recognize that Laura Fry and Dean Schroeder know best. Always. They have never been wrong, nor have their mandates ever proven frivolous. For example, under normal circumstances, I would question the divine inspiration of bullet-free resumes; now, I know that resume bullets caused 9/11. Before law school, I doubted the value of condescending lectures about nonexistent problems; now, I know that I was simply oblivious to the cutthroat, backstabbing, possibly psychotic qualities of the Class of 2013. One year ago, I probably would have questioned the conflicting information I have received about my resumes and cover letters. But now I know that real-world attorneys are morons, unless their advice coincides with the pearls of wisdom from the UCI Law Career Development Office.

What an education I have received! There are so many fools who make decisions for themselves and exercise self-determination. Little did they know that there is an infallible institution in Irvine, prepared to dictate every course of action necessary for a happy life. I, for one, am eager to hear when Laura Fry will allow me to get married and have children. Until that day, I will mindlessly correct my resume for the twenty-sixth time, content in the realization that law school is the place where free will goes to die.

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